March 29, 2011
i met this dood when i moved to the US, and we dated for 4 years.
2002 to 2006.
when i first met him, i was this dirty crazy mofo who looked like a total lesbo with an almost shaved head with no sexiness or prettiness, on the other hand, he was a cute tidy clean emo fucko "god, that is so 2002" style.
he was the shiest person i've ever met though, really really shy, but he had this lovely angry humor like larry david. on the other hand, i was just really loud, always being all over the place with no idea.
we were really, totally, completely opposite, i don't know how we stayed together for so long.
recently there were moments that i felt like dying (but not really at all, kind of like light anxiety) and somehow i thought about friends whom i used to hang out with or ex-boyfriends that i used to date, and this year 2002 boy popped up in my head. heavily.
so, i signed into my old email account, looked for emails from him and read them through again. so young, so fucking stupid and super embarrassing, but reading those emails just brought back those little things that we used to do together, how we used to drive around and get lost in the middle of corn fields while staring at gene-manipulated miniature donkeys, how we both used to drink 10 cans of mountain dew or pepsi in a day, how we used to play soul calibur together since that was the only game that i didn't really need any skills.
and here's a little tiny bit of thing that he wrote me.
".... the only difference between me and you, is you attack me when you get mad and crazy, but I get mad at you and then I love you again really fast so if you need to you can beat me everyday. Sorry I said I didn't think I want to it to work out. The truth is I hope everyday that it will work out. So I'll talk to you later after you get back home. bye i love you, mari"
the only difference.
god, such a silly youngie email.
oh children, children.
god, those days, filled with youth, ignorance and stupidity,
since i thought i would have a better life than what i expected,
future felt more brighter, huh huh.
oh little big playful creatures
March 21, 2011
March 20, 2011
March 18, 2011
thank you so much for emails and everything, i'm totally fine:)
i don't want to be a hypocrite who just only shows pity,
but it's been really crazy and all i can do is pray, save energy and follow the news.
things have been changing, and i've decided to leave my job at the end of April.
(i actually made the decision a month ago though.)
i love people at my office, and i was super lucky to get to work with those super talented CG designers,
but now i guess i have to sort things out for myself before i get too old.
we really don't know what is gonna happen.
i don't have that much money or anything,
but all the things that happened around us pretty much proved that nothing is really 100% guaranteed.
but i guess, since i know that, i'm more motivated.
no matter what we do or where we go, the ending will be the same, we'll all die at the end.
the time is super limited, what can i really do by then?
ok, god, this is such a mediocre post, but let's have some hope yeah.
March 14, 2011
i'm ok and safe, but many things are not ok.
reality, scares, ground shaking, anxiety, disappearing, missing, death,
right in my face, not only me, but everyone here.
had an interview today,
speaking out loud helped me to sort things out in my head.
(by the way this photo is old!)