April 23, 2011

another bite, cracked bitter


this might look nice but honestly, it doesn't have any meanings or thoughts, really.

it sounds really silly but a little thing to others can be a big deal to me,
or maybe the other way around.
something happened and it really hurt me,
i wasn't mad i was just sad, and then i guess i kinda lost it.
what i believed in wasn't really there,
sometimes some big-ass ego can get sweet things.

i also really suck at acting towards sadness,
i was wondering yesterday while sitting by the window at the office,
i was thinking the reason why.

maybe, when i was little,
i was always alone, i had a cat with me to play with and my grandma to cook tasty lunch for me.
since i didn't go to pre-kindergarten like all the kids in my town did, i was lacking social skills, i was super shy, i couldn't really talk to anybody or make friends.

my parents were super busy, i barely had breakfast or dinner with them, went out with them or any sort of family activities when i was little, and there were many things happened that i couldn't really write or tell anybody, but i totally believe that we were a happy family.
but my parents left me alone at home everyday, i actually felt sad and lonely, i was little but i knew they were working hard to make living, they worked hard for me and my education and all that, but i was really lonely.

one day my mom took me to the park by our house, right before she had to go on her night duty(she worked at ER/operation room at this huge hospital). she usually took a nap before night duty since she had to work hard and stay awake, but the day was different, she was going to the park with me and play with me, i was super happy.

i believe that was in spring, maybe mid-May, it was so nice out, i was so happy that i could spend time with her since it was a super rare occasion. playing with my grandma always felt different, when i held my grandma's hand, it just made me worried somehow, i wanted to hold my mom's hand, still young skin.

we went to the park, but she looked really tired, and it made me really really sad.
"she's tired because of me, i'm too much because she has to go to work all exhausted, she's trying too hard for me" all the guilty feelings went through my little brain.

and then suddenly i decided to get mad. i couldn't handle or process sadness in my mind, didn't know how to deal with it at all, and i just got really mad, i told her it is so boring to spend time with her, it's better without her, she even made a sadder face.

i was about 5 or 6 at that time, but i still remember this clearly, i guess it's the thing that i can never forget. the thing that i did wrong.
but then this habit became my routine, even to get their attention.

i acted the same to my boyfriends that i've dated(especially the ones who got so close to me) and made the situations even worse, i was scared to admit that i have something that is completely mental that i couldn't let go.

i got insanely mad last month, i wanted to disappear, but i wanted to make everything around me better at the same time but this week i kinda shut everything down.

since it's spring maybe, people started getting closer to me,
but i guess i've been acting too reckless and emotionless recently,
but this is maybe really how i am.

but you know, i still have hopes, i'm still living alright,
sleeping, waking up and working normally,
i know i will feel better and forgive everything for myself.