it took a while to get to this point.
there was such a mess that i can't even recollect the fragments of it.
it exactly felt like being controlled by a phychopath,
walking on the path that's drawn by this person,
i just react or do the way this person would totally expect,
while knowing the fact that i'm just a will-less person.
i wanted to let it go but kept holding on to it to see a little possibility.
it was a big obsession.
this was the perfect controlled-by-other's-ego process that i went through.
i was out of my apartment for 3 days for a business trip.
when i got back home, one of my fish were missing. a little tiny one.
after i found his little tiny bones blending in to a debris on a filter,
it didn't take that long to realize that the little one was eaten by the big ones in a tank since they were so hungry.
i fed them ok before i left, but my friend told me that fish can't stuff themselves with so much food once so that they can go without eating for a while.
big fish, tiny fish, domesticated,
they were all good together in a little tank society,
but once something is missing, something that they need to keep their lives going,
they will change. no moral there but just instinct, and it's not that beautiful and clean as i imagine.
and i just realized i was just there to give, sacrifice myself.